To Stumble or To Search

I've had Matthew 13:44-46 bracketed in my Bible for a long while.  Today, one of the important points of the sermon centered on these verses.  The pastor focused on the fact that we are stumblers, or we are searchers.  In my life, I feel like I've been both.

⁴⁴ “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

⁴⁵ “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. ⁴⁶ When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.

I've always known about God and Jesus dying on the cross.  I heard it all.  I was Mary more times than I could count.  I went to Vacation Bible School every summer.  I never heard the Gospel presented to me in the way of me in need of a savior until I went to camp.  That was my stumble upon moment.  I prayed the prayer and went on with life.

In January of my sophomore year, Errol died.  He was a man who was a 3rd grandfather to me.  He was one of the strongest men I have known in my life.  It hurt so bad to watch that man lie in a coma for 10 days before he went to be with the Lord.  This was my first encounter of a death that was so incredibly close to me.  I was broken.  I was a mess.  I was something that I have never been since and I never want to be again.  It was the lowest point in my life.  I went through the motions.  I cried myself to sleep at night.  My appetite was all over the place.  I skipped meals, and then gorged.  I took naps every day after school.  I frowned.  All the time.  I couldn't stop.  I didn't know how.  I don't really remember that I prayed much through this time.  I faked laughter.  I faked a lot of things in the couple of months following Errol's death.

I was searching for something to take away that hurt I was feeling deep in my core.  I felt empty and I didn't know what would fill me up.

And then one night, I found it.  

I went to a youth event and I heard the Gospel message again.  

The light bulb went on.

The door was opened.

The treasure was found.

I sold myself out that night.  I felt a peace cover me and the huge weight that I had been toting for a couple of months was lifted off of my shoulders.  My search was over.  I have my treasure.  Have you found yours?