Broken and Beautiful

Today's church service hit hard and heavy.  The topic?  Death.  I've been affected by death just as much as the next person.  I've often compared that hurt to a bruise that never goes away.  Sure, it gets better with time, and then suddenly, it gets poked again and it hurts real bad.  As the service went on, I thought about the deaths that I had experienced.  I thought about that pain that comes with the sad realization.  I thought about that punch in the gut feeling when saying goodbye.  And then, I also thought about the wonderful experiences that happened in the time after.  I thought about the lessons God was teaching me through those deaths of my loved ones.

During sophomore year of high school, I was feeling pretty great.  Here I was on the verge of being an upperclassman, had tons of friends, I was active in youth group, involved in many things, and I had a job.  Not bad for 16, right?  January came and Errol passed away.  I've talked about it before, so I won't talk much more on this.  I was a mess.  I was at rock bottom suddenly.  My world had just been turned upside down.  I didn't know how to get myself back to 'normal.'  At this point in my walk with Christ, I had prayed the prayer, went to youth group and church, and I think I was just playing the part pretty good.  I hadn't had that moment where I felt in true need of Christ.  That was until I heard the Gospel again about a month later. That was when I realized just how broken I was.  That was when I realized how much I needed God.

Six months later, Tyler died.  Tyler was my classmate.  While we weren't the closest of friends, he was still a classmate and a friend.  I was so in shock that June afternoon.  I was in shock probably that whole week.  This time, though, I knew what to do.  I wasn't going to hold it in.  I was going to give it to God right away.  The growth I had made in the last 6 months made it easier to grieve.  I learned how to talk about it.  I knew that I wasn't going to go back to that place I was in 6 months before.  Just knowing that God was there to provide comfort and healing gave me all the truth and strength I needed.

Grandpa Goudy died right before my senior year of high school.  I was headed to the Iowa State Fair to be a grandstand usher days after his death.  During those 10 days at the fair, I spent a lot of time by myself.  I spent a lot of time working on embroidery, reading my Bible and praying.  It was during that time that I discovered my life verse.

As the deer pants for streams of water,

    so my soul pants for you, my God.

Psalm 42:1

The most recent death that has proved a punch in the gut was Papu.  Papu was Whit's grandpa who I had only been around a handful of times.  He told me that I was just like another granddaughter to him all the same.  He was funny, caring, could tell great stories, and always lit up a room with his smile.  That phone call when Whit told me of his death was not one I wanted to hear.  I hated being so far away form her as this was going on.  They headed back to Ohio for the funeral, and I was headed to camp for 4State.  On Saturday, I was feeling anxious.  I had told Whit that I would call her, and she didn't answer.  I knew she was probably busy and with family, but I was just looking for some confirmation.  I was feeling antsy and introverted.  I finally walked behind the Lodge to the crick.  I sat on a bench and let it all out.  I cried and prayed.  Prayed and cried.  I was a mess.  I wanted to be with Whit and her family so bad, but that wasn't in the plans.  I was at camp and all I could do was pray.  I sat there until I could sing It Is Well With My Soul and actually sing it with confidence.

Naturally, that is how we would end today's service.  It is hands down, my favorite hymn.  I was nearly in tears as that peace washed over me.

It is well, (it is well),

With my soul, (with my soul)

It is well, it is well, with my soul.